Hey there Reader,
Many years ago, not long after Ben and I got together, I had a moment of realisation that felt both comforting and terrible.
For the first time in my life, I knew we would be together until one of us died.
And that meant one day one of us would have to live without the other.
This is, of course, the deal. As Dr Lucy Hone writes, loss is the price we pay for love and attachment.
But death isn’t the only way we lose people.
Sometimes they are still alive. Still going about their lives. Still right here in the world.
We just no longer have access to them in the way we once did, or the way we imagined we would.
I’ve found this particular kind of loss much harder to make sense of.
For a long time, when I dreamed about the future, I could almost see the weekend gatherings.
It would be summer. There would be a pool, some loungers. My adult children, their partners and their children would all be there. There'd be sun-warmed skin, damp towels, the shrieks of tiny voices splashing in the water, platters of nibbles, the smell of sausages on the barbecue, and laughter.
It wasn't a particularly out-there vision or anything beyond the realm of possibility.
But this isn't how things have turned out, and not having a pool is the least of it.
And one of the hardest parts of creating a good life has been coming to terms with the fact that there are parts of it I cannot create by myself.
Other people get a vote.
Some of the things we want most can only ever be created with people who have wants and intentions of their own.
When their choices take them somewhere different from what we had hoped for, one way of living with that loss is to look at what sits beneath the picture.
For me, those weekends around the pool were about feeling closeness, connection, involvement, a sense of family expanding and of me mattering within it.
The picture was one way I imagined those things taking shape.
With time and work, I've come to know it doesn't have to be the only one.
🪞 Something to consider
What wants and needs might sit underneath the future you’ve imagined?
✨Try this
Think of one of the wants or needs you identified.
Where is that want or need already being met in your life?
Where else might you find or create more of what you’re looking for?
If it’s connection, who could you spend more time with? If it’s mattering, where could you contribute?
Could you choose one small way to make more room for it this week?
💭A final thought
The future doesn't have to look the way we imagined for it to contain what we were hoping for.